Double Edged Sword

 

I did it! With one day left to go, I have walked about 51.8km for the month of October to raise awareness for Mental Health and to raise funds for research into Mental Health.

I have signed up next month with my sister in law to do 60km for November (2km a day) to raise funds for Ovarian Cancer.  I figure if I have made a commitment, I have a goal and will keep going.  

Everyday I am keen to get out there for my walk at the moment.  While I am walking I can be in a bit of pain and tend to think "what the fuck am I doing, this hurts!", but it is not for long and the benefits far outweigh the pain.  It is not about losing weight at the moment, I have lost a bit as a bi-product but it is not my main focus.  There may come a point when it is, but for now it's about my mental well being.

Today is a double edged sword for me.  I am so bloody proud of myself and took myself out for dinner to celebrate, but at the same time, I was lonely.

I think this weekend would normally be when it is "that time of the month" for me because I find myself not wanting to see anyone but at the same time craving affection. At the moment, I'm really sad that I don't have a significant other to share this with.  

This month has been all about mental health awareness so I'm going to get real - like I always am in this blog.

I have had such a great month.  I have been feeling great about myself and life in general.  Having time off work was well timed even though it wasn't by choice (my son had to quarantine for 2 weeks).  Then all of a sudden over the last couple of days, I am sooky and emotional and I have realised how lonely I feel at the moment.

I don't feel alone, I have so many friends and family that keep in touch and check in and catch up, but I just feel lonely for the company and intimacy of a partner.  

Then I start thinking about why relationships haven't worked out for me, and a lot of it is down to my mental health.  I know there's more to it, but at the moment that is all I'm focussed on so I'm hoping that by writing it, I can let it go.  

I am a lot to handle in relationships, whether it be with family, friends or a intimate relationship.  I know this.  Things that make me laugh one day, will make me want to rip someone's head off the next day. I am very needy.  I look for reassurance, approval, confirmation and affection where sometimes, it's just not going to be given.  I need to know I'm loved, wanted or needed. It's a big part of who I am.

I also realise though, that not everyone can give that to me, or not in the way that I need it. 

I am someone who tells people close to me, "I love you", and I am someone who just needs to hear that back, especially from a partner.  I know they are just words and can be said too much, but let me tell you, when they are not said at all, it is worse.

I think I may have told this story before, but I used to tell my Dad, "I love you" all the time when I was little.  He would always say, "so do I" and I would get so cross.  To me he was saying he loved himself, not me. At some stage after getting upset with him and crying explaining why I needed to hear it, he stopped saying that so much and started telling me he loved me too.

In my last relationship, as I have mentioned,  my partner wouldn't say it.  Now he told me from the start that he wouldn't say it, but that he would "show" me that he loved me.  The trouble is, his definition of showing me, and my definition of showing me, were 2 completely different things.  You don't know what you don't know, and if I have no idea what goes on in someone's head when they give me something or make a gesture - how am I supposed to know that it is an "I love you?"  At the same time, he didn't understand why I would ask for reassurance and how I didn't know because in his mind he was already showing me.  We were just too different in so many ways. 

That's all in the past though and most of the time, I've moved on.  Today though, I'm just having one of those - "where's my person" moments.  It will pass.  In reality I know that I am actually very happy on my own for now.  I'm just having a moment and that's OK.

As always, sending HUGS to whoever needs them right now.