Bubbles?

I guess you're wondering what is behind the name of my blog...

Well, even if you're not, I'm about to tell you ;)

From the description under the name of my blog, you have probably already guessed that I have depression and anxiety.  I am on the right medication and usually I am pretty under control.... Then COVID 19 happened.

But, I am getting ahead of myself.  Back to the bubbles.  One of the things I love to do when I am feeling down is have a bath, with bubbles and candles and stuff.  Well I was sitting there one night about 12 months ago now, and I looked at the bubbles.  I mean I REALLY looked at the bubbles.  All of a sudden, I realised that the bubbles were a lot like my mind and I could use them to try to describe to someone who doesn't have depression and anxiety, what it is like (well for me anyway).

So lets see if I can make it the slightest bit understandable for everyone else.  

The way I see it is, when I'm happy and in a good place, my mind is full of big bubbles and the little bubbles are in the background. Big bubbles represent the important stuff that matters, like family, feeling loved, feeling appreciated, having a roof over your head and being financially OK.  The little bubbles are things that really, in the whole scheme of things, don't matter - like how you spoke to someone, how someone spoke to you, what you should have said, how you should have reacted - all that sort of thing.  They are also memories, good and bad, that are just in the background. The little bubbles are also all the bad things that are not true, but your mind tries to tell you they are - like you are not appreciated, you are not supported, no one gives a shit about what you do, you check in on everyone else but no one bothers checking in on you - that kind of stuff.

As I said, these little bubbles are always there, but they get forgotten about because your big happy bubbles are so bright and colourful you don't need to even look at or think about the little bubbles, which are mostly grey, especially the negative stuff.

So... what happens when the big bubbles lose the brightness, their colour through events and circumstances in your life and how your are feeling dulling the colour? All you see and all you can think about is those thousands of tiny grey bubbles that bring you down, and it is so very hard to bring back the colour in those big bubbles when they are so opaque and all you see is grey.

How did this happen for me? Well, this time around (because I have had a few melt downs in my life) it was a combination of things, that really, when someone else reads them, will seem like nothing.

Before I go on, I want to make a side note that NO MATTER WHAT someone else is going through, you are ALLOWED TO FEEL HOW YOU FEEL!!! Don't ever let someone else make you feel bad for your feelings simply because there are people worse off out there and/or you need to get over it.  Yes, there are,  and there always will be, but that doesn't make how you are feeling RIGHT NOW any less valid.  You are allowed to feel how you feel.  I would like to also take the time to explain to those people who say that to others, why it is not helpful.  First of all, it makes the person feel guilty for feeling that way.  So, they are already feeling depressed, anxious, can't sleep, or can't stop sleeping and now you have just made them feel guilty, and given them MORE little GREY BUBBLES to worry about.  Secondly, would you tell someone with a broken leg to get up and walk on it normally just because there are other people in a wheelchair that can't even use their legs? I don't think so.  Please be gentle with your friends who are struggling, you never know what could push them over the edge.

How did I get here? Well, I think it is so many things all getting on top of me and me thinking and telling myself I'm fine until one day I just wasn't.  My Dad (who I was very close with) died last year, he was 90, he had a good innings.... this is what I would say to people, this is what I've been saying to myself, I still don't think I've grieved properly.  My partner, who I've been with for over 18 months now, while supportive, is not really emotionally wired.  I can't talk to him about things that get me upset because he actually is one of those people that says, "don't worry about it" - and as much as he doesn't understand why I get so upset, I don't understand why he doesn't get upset!  His daughter got married earlier in the year and I upset her wife and it was unresolved for around 5 weeks, which I would just constantly think about.  He said he would sort it out and get them to talk but I ended up having to do it because it was bothering me so much and the wedding was only a week away.  

The night of their wedding was the night I took my son to his Dad's for the weekend, and also the weekend the COVID 19 restrictions really kicked in.  That was the 21st March.  His Dad was supposed to be starting a new job but couldn't because of a procedure he had. I was still working.  Because of his procedure, his immune system was low so he either needed to keep our son (who is 9 by the way) for the foreseeable future, otherwise, if he came back to me, he wouldn't be able to go to his Dad's again until he was better or the isolation recommendation had been lifted. It made sense for my son to stay with his Dad - his partner is also a teacher which came in very handy for the home schooling part.

His Dad had him for my birthday and for Easter.  Fast forward to 22nd April, so 1 month without my son to actually physically hug.  We had facetimed, I had seen him from a distance on my birthday and again, I told myself and everyone else that it was the best thing to do and tried to make it a big happy bubble.  Well the 22nd April that big bright happy pretend bubble burst, and a whole waterfall of grey bubbles came tumbling out and I had a melt down at work and kind of "went off" at my boss.  Everything I said was how I was feeling, but the way I said it was inappropriate and left him feeling terrible, which was not fair.   I have now resigned because the things I was feeling won't change in the line of work I was doing and so for my own mental health, I needed to.  Plus, the things I said would be brought up again down the track, that was one of the issues.  It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders once I had made this decision, as I nearly left twice before.

The following weekend I got my son back and have been home schooling him. We have gone back to some sort of normality with him being with me during the week and his Dad's on weekends. That was over 2 weeks ago.  

Again, I am trying to tell myself everything is fine and everything will be OK, but there is a darkness I just can't shake at the moment.

As much as I KNOW in my head that I will find another job, or pick up extra hours at my second job - and if not, I'm studying and might be able to get an exemption for that, I FEEL overwhelmed and it's just all too much.  I overthink everything and there's obviously more going on in my head that I just don't know about (that's another story). 

Hence why I'm starting this blog.  I've always found writing things down seems to lighten the load, and I thought it might just help someone else to realise they are not alone.  Yes everyone is going through a crisis right now, the world has never been through this in our lifetime, but again, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL HOW YOU FEEL. 

I'm going to try to push my tiny grey bubbles  (which seem like an elephant at the moment) to the back where they belong and try to bring the rainbows and brightness back to my big bubbles by reminding myself of all the good things - that I am loved, I am supported, I have great friends who are also my chosen family, and I have a fantastic blood family.  

I'll leave it at that for now, and I might actually go and have a nice bubble bath.  Next time, I'll explain a bit more about not quite knowing what is wrong and also, the upside of this - coming up with awesome creative ideas....