Them Full Moon Feels

 My bubbles aren't very bright at the moment, and it kind of happened all of a sudden last night and today, so much so that I cried from the moment I dropped my so to school to when I got to work.  Well, tears were rolling down my cheeks that I just couldn't stop for about half an hour.

Things that I normally accept and cope with are starting to rise to the surface in their grey bubbles and hide my big beautiful ones so I thought I would get onto it now rather than let it get worse.

I need you to know before I start, that this is me having a moment and needing to get it out of my system, not me asking for help or advice, I need to deal with this on my own.

Why blog it then? Well, it might just help someone else get through something too.

My son has been in trouble at school a bit lately, which of course makes me feel like a bad parent.  He doesn't speak to me very nicely at times, and it is like looking in a bloody mirror from when I was that age and how I treated my Mum.  She laughs now and says "karma".

On top of that, I'm just feeling a bit precious about my relationship.  My partner doesn't talk about feeling or emotions and that's usually OK.  At the moment though, I seem to be dwelling on all the things he doesn't do.  

He doesn't tell me he loves me or misses me (he used to at least tell me he missed me in the beginning).

He doesn't come to my place very often, I always have to go to his.

He doesn't send me little kisses in the middle of the day like he used to anymore.

He doesn't like to talk about anything like this so I have to write it and work through it myself and figure out whether it's something I NEED to talk to him about or if I am just overreacting.

There are others but I can't think of them at the moment.

The reality (and what I need to remember) is this - he works from 6am to 5pm most days, comes home, cooks tea for him and his son and goes to bed. Saturdays he works in the morning so his only day off is Sunday and he will usually spend that with me driving around the country side looking at things I want to see.  He doesn't have time to be at his own house let alone mine and when he does have time, he probably just wants to enjoy being in his own space.

I also have a very lived in house with ornaments and "shit" displayed everywhere and my craft stuff spread out where as he has a minimalist house really.  It is probably stressful for him to be in my space, whereas I love being at his place because it gets me out of mine.

He is very stressed at work at the moment and has nearly had enough, so much so that he got shingles a few weeks ago, so the last thing on his mind is remembering to send me a kiss in the middle of the day.

I have brought something similar up with him previously, but I have learnt the more you ask him to do something, the less he is inclined to do it, so I try to back off.

Basically, I'm not feeling the love, and at the moment, I need to be feeling the love.

I am trying to just back off at the moment and sort myself out so that I don't say something or end a relationship that under normal circumstances I am completely happy with.

Anyway, that's where I'm at.  This one won't be put on my facebook page and it's just more for me to work through.