Time to move on

 It's time to move on.

Not in the emotional sense this time but to physically move.  Move house. Pack up all my overwhelming amount of "stuff".

My landlord (who lives next door), came and told me today.  I've been trying to just put aside until tomorrow when I have the day off and can process it better, and just chill and watch TV tonight.  I don't even know what I've just watched so I thought I'll come and get some of my worry bubbles down in writing so hopefully I can let them go a little bit.

I don't do very well with moving.  It's not so much the actual moving part, but packing and getting stressed about special sentimental things and whether they still need to be kept.  It's about wondering where the hell everything will go, whether I'll have the space to do what I want to do.  It's about worrying where my son will go to school and if he'll need to change.  It's about worrying whether I'll be closer to work and closer to my partner.  It's about worrying if I'll have enough money to pay the rent (because my rent is pretty cheap here). It's worrying about upsetting people when I say "thank you, but I don't want you to help" - because it actually makes the anxiety of moving worse not better. So many things to consider.

On top of that, since splitting up with my husband, my son and I moved into and have lived in this house for 6 years, it's his one stable.  His dad has unfortunately had to move 5 times in that time and now lives with his partner in her house.  This news is already upsetting him, which then upsets me.

My plan originally was to buy this house from my landlord when he was ready to sell.  I realise now that it was only because I didn't want to move.  The house is old and needs so much work done to it that I could never afford to do as well as buying it.

I have about 2 months.  2 months to pack up 25 years of "stuff".  Time to be ruthless I think, keep what is really important, sell the better stuff, give away what is too good to throw out and chuck the rest.    

Tomorrow... tomorrow I will make a start, and not get overwhelmed by it tonight at nearly 11pm!  My latest artwork is very fitting at the moment. 

As a catch up from my last blog, I got home to see my mum, 2 of my siblings and my extended family.  It was SO good.  That was until the last couple of days.  My mum still does not quite understand narcolepsy.  

I have always slept A LOT and napped A LOT since I was a pre-teen.  I would sleep in until lunch time.  I would fall asleep on the couch at home in the afternoons.  When I moved out and lived on my own this continued, however, when Mum would come and stay with me I would push myself to stay up (most of the time), resulting in a very cranky, grumpy, bitchy and tired me because if I didn't, Mum would say things that would make me feel lazy.  Silly me thought it might change now that she knows there's an actual reason for my tiredness and needing to sleep a lot.  Apparently not though, I got, "you can't possibly still be tired" after yawning one evening, and a few other digs.  I love my mum, and I miss her dearly but my goodness she pushes my buttons!

So then I get back home and still have a few days off before going back to work. My partner seems to be making plans for the future and not including me.  I say "seems" because that is the way I perceived it in my tired emotional state.  Because he doesn't like to talk about things like I do, I didn't bring it up and just let it bottle up until it bubbled over after the silliest discussion.  One of more dearest friends had to point out that I would normally have laughed the situation off for me to realise I was being silly. Needless to say I went to bed early that night and talked to him about it the next day.  I asked him to remind me when I get that way, that everything is OK and I need to have a good sleep.  I'm starting to realise that 80% of me being emotional is because I am tired. Yep, it's taken me this long.

I'll probably be writing a bit more over the coming weeks to help me cope with what is coming. I will get there. I have no control over it but I have control over how I deal with it, so I'll try and remember that.

Hugs xx