The Blame Game

 I've been wanting to write this one for a little while, but it is a very touchy subject and I don't want to upset anyone.

So.... before you read this, know that it is my view and is what I believe - that doesn't mean I am right.

Before I start, take the time to read and digest this quote: 

I am hoping you are still with me and still willing to read what I have to say. Some people will have a very strong negative reaction to that quote and I would just like to say it might be worth thinking about why before reading the rest of this.  Hugs to you xxx

My thought pattern jumps around a little bit in this one but I hope it still makes sense.

Let me start by saying I am the youngest of 4.  The youngest by a large age gap.  This meant that by the time I came along my brother had been used to being the youngest for 7 years.  I was  VERY spoilt by EVERYONE and got away with EVERYTHING.

I treated my Mum like shit. I had my Dad wrapped around my little finger.  I would carry on until I got my own way and I got pretty much whatever I asked for.

The next brother up from me is 7 years older, so for 7 years he was the youngest and probably the spoilt one.  Needless to say we hated each other from about the age of 5 until I was about 15....

That was about the time that all 3 of my siblings decided to sit me down one on one, within the same week, to tell me what a spoilt little bitch I was and to pull my head in.

My first reaction to them all was (as a smart arsed teenager) - "but I'm not the one that spoils me, it's not my fault I'm spoilt".

True statement.  It was not my fault I was spoilt.

Also a true statement - IT WAS MY CHOICE TO EXPLOIT THAT.

And yes I was a little girl, but I knew damn well what I was doing.

I knew I would get anything I wanted and so I would carry on.  

Did that make me a nice or good person - no it did not.  

Did I care - YES I actually did.  

I didn't want to be the spoilt little bitch that my siblings disliked and (in hindsight) my mother reacted to before anything had even happened.

What did I do after they'd all talked to me?  I cried a lot.  I thought everyone hated me. And then suddenly I realised they were right.  I wasn't a baby or a little girl anymore and I needed to grow up and wake up to myself. And so I tried to be better.  I'm still trying to be better.  Some days I still am that little girl and I want to yell and scream until everything is right with the world, but I know it's not going to help, it might just feel better for a while.

Yes I am a creation of how I was brought up.  Yes it affects me in some ways now, but I am the only one who can change that and there comes a point in your life where you can't keep blaming what has happened in your past for what is happening now.  Of course there are exceptions to this rule, as with everything in life, but we are talking about the specifics mentioned in the quote and not illnesses or accidents.

Another example I can give you is my ex-sister-in-law.  Last time I saw her she would have been about 45 and was still blaming her parents' break up - which happened in her teens - for the way she is and how she handles life. To her mother's face. That the reason she can't keep a relationship is because her parents broke up.  That the reason she stole from her mother numerous times and now won't let her see her own grand daughter is because her Mum was the evil witch when she got divorced.  

She has been married multiple times - that's her mother's fault.

She can't keep friends or a job - that's her mother's fault.

Do you see a pattern here?

I understand that the traumas and circumstances we are subject to shape the way we are and make us WHO we are, but they shouldn't become an excuse or a reason we don't (or perceive that we can't) do something.  I get that we can't control what happens TO us.  BUT we can control how we react to what happens and there comes a point when blaming other people or life events just doesn't cut it anymore.

The teenage years and the influences I experienced are when things started to change for me.

As a teenager you think everything is about you and everyone annoys you - you just don't see how much you annoy them.

When a teenager opens up to you, please listen without judgement.  This is one thing my Mum did for me about 4 times a year.  I would come home late from the school disco and she would be waiting up for me.  Just sitting there. I would start talking and I wouldn't stop for at least an hour.  It became a ritual and I loved it.  Any other time I tried to talk to my Mum she would be harsh and judgemental, but those nights, she would just listen.

As a young adult you're starting to grow up and realise there are other people in this world who matter and it's good to do things for no reason for them.

OR

As a young adult it's all about how bad YOUR life is and that you are or were a victim in some way and because of that the world owes you something.

It's the second one that's the hardest for everyone I think.

So many people will try to "fix" a person like they are broken.  I'm one of them.  I like to help people, I like to be there for them, but I've also realised that unless the person is ready to make a change and ready to help heal themselves, it's just not going to happen. 

There's also usually only a limited amount of time that people who care about you will watch you keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome.  There's a limit on how many times you can blame your past for why you are CHOOSING not to do something now before the people around you will start getting frustrated.

Would I have depression and anxiety if I was brought up differently? I have no idea and until I started writing this I hadn't actually thought about it! 

I can explain why I react to different people the way I do because of my past but I don't BLAME my past or use it as an excuse.  Did I ever? Of course I did! I think we all do without realising it.  

For a long time I blamed my brother's for the reason I am so emotional.  They would tease me until I cried and so I learnt to cry at the drop of a hat.  I TAUGHT MYSELF.  I could very well have learnt to walk away, or ignore them, but that is the reaction I chose as a little girl.  I even ended up going to my first counsellor in my late 20s after crying in front of my boss at work and using this excuse.

Is it their fault I'm still a sooky la la? Nope, that's on me.

I might not be able to control it but it's no-one else's fault.

As I said, I know there are exceptions to this, all I'm saying is there may just come a time when you go

"You know what, despite everything that's happened in my life, I CAN (insert your dream/wish/want here) just watch me."

Thank you for reading

From a work in progress ;)

Hugs xxx