Sisterly love and advice

 I got to talk to my beautiful sister on Saturday for 45 minutes.

She is the one person in this universe that truly gets me - even more than I get myself sometimes I think!

We haven't talked for a while, we always have good intentions both ways but life just gets busy! She's been wanting to check in on me for a while and I've been meaning to ring her but there are 2 things that have stopped me:

1. it's usually 10.30 at night when I remember and she's an early bird

2. I knew I would cry.

She's been following my journey on here and said how proud of me she is.  That in itself means more than she will ever know.

We discussed some interesting points...

My mantra - you are allowed to feel how you feel - is about not feeling guilty that you are feeling down when you have no reason to be.  It's about not entering into conversations when people try to make a competition out of things, or tell you that "everyone feels that way".  For example, I recently put up a post saying how much I missed my family and was hoping to see them sometime this year - one of my "friends" replied that they are feeling it in another state too but it's been longer for them.  My internal dialogue had so many things to say back to that, but part of being allowed to feel how I feel, is letting others feel how they feel. We can still get upset that others are complaining about things we see as trivial, we just don't need to get into a debate about it and allow them feel what they feel too.  

This is so hard to do when you are in a dark place because (as I've discussed in a previous blog) everything becomes about you.  Try not to enter into an argument with anyone about who is more entitled to feel that way because at the end of the day - you feel how you feel and you're the only one who will really understand that.  At the same time, if someone is feeling down because of something you feel is trivial and they try to talk to you about it, show a bit of sympathy and just listen.  They don't need advice, they don't need anyone to tell them people are worse off.  In that moment, it doesn't matter what is happening with you or anyone else, it is their moment.

Back to dark places.  My sister made a very valid point and lets see if I can explain.  

In the song "The Sound of Silence", the song starts off with "Hello darkness my old friend".  Being allowed to feel how you feel, is very different to feeling safe and taking refuge in your dark place.  My sister said it's so easy to do what we FEEL is safe, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's healthy or good for us.  Someone once said to me, "it's ok to wallow in self pity, just don't stay there".  This is what she means.  When you are in a dark space in your mind, it feels familiar and safe, but it's not happy, healthy or good for you.  

Remind yourself of this when you are feeling dark, that it might FEEL safe but it's a wolf in sheep's clothing.  Instead, have a think about what makes you smile.  What else brings you joy or comfort that is not damaging to your health (says she who eats far too much chocolate).  This might be listening to music (uplifting stuff that makes you want to dance), drawing, crafting, writing, going for a walk, going out in the sunshine.  Try to drag yourself out of the darkness to just do that one thing.  The thing to remember here is be proud of progress and don't beat yourself up if you can't do it.  The fact you thought about it or even tried is progress in itself.

Something else she said was when you are really happy, stop and take a mental picture.  Remember the smell, the sun or wind, anything you are touching and of course what you see.  Then when you get in your dark place, take yourself back to this mental picture.  I have one of these from a couple of years ago.  I also wrote myself a letter that same day reminding myself how strong I am and that I can get through things.  I need to remember to look at that letter more often but I do refer to that mental picture a lot.

Another thing I know from experience truly works - and I'm going to sound like some kind of preacher here - is that finding the positive in every situation brings a positive change in your life.  Like attracts like.  This could be as simple as turning around "What else can or will go wrong" into "Something IS going to go right soon".  Even putting don't, not or no in a sentence is negative. What do a mean by that? Saying "I don't want to get sick" is going to attract exactly that.  Instead, say "I want to be well" or "I'm going to get well".

It's not easy and I still can't do it all the time - see, I just did it then.  What I should have said was, it's hard but I'm still trying to do it everyday.  It may sound a bit silly, but you will start noticing a difference if you see the positive instead of the negative and think that way too.

All of what she said to me came from a place of love and understanding because she has lived it too.  Life is a bit of a roller coaster and you will have your ups and downs, it's how you cope with them that makes or breaks you.

So, please remember, you're allowed to feel how you feel, BUT you don't HAVE to stay in the dark.  Make a choice to find a little bit of light everyday. 

Hugs xxx