Going home

 I took my little man out for a bit of a walk yesterday around a cemetery unlike any I've ever seen.  It was more like a botanical garden than a final resting place.  There were paths everywhere and waterfalls and water features and nestled in amongst the plants in the garden were little plaques of the people whose ashes rest there.  No particular pattern, just scattered here and there. Instead of feeling cold and grey as a lot of cemeteries do, this one was warm and full of love even though it was a freezing cold day.

We had such a lovely time exploring with each other but do you know what.  I noticed that as soon as I walked through the door at home, my mood instantly changed and I went from fun loving, playful Mum to a person I really don't like very much.  A person that I am probably 80% of the time with my son.

I felt my patience leave my body and stay outside.  I felt a dark cloud come over me like dread.  It was intense.

Adulting is hard. Parenting is hard. Walking through that door meant I had responsibilities.  Instead of being fun I now had to make sure my son was picking up after himself, not talking nastily, I had to get him tea, make sure he had a shower, cleaned his teeth and get him into bed with as little fuss as possible.  I was bracing myself for the arguments.  I was getting cross with him before there was any reason to get cross.  

I don't want to be the Mum that is always getting cross for no reason.  For pre-empting behaviours before they've even happened. It was the first time I've ever actually noticed it happen but when I think back it happens EVERY SINGLE DAY.  That poor kid! 

Maybe it's because usually I finish work, pick him up from school and come straight home that I don't notice it.  I tell him quite often I just need to relax for a minute when we first get home.  Maybe, just maybe, what I actually need to do is change my attitude of what walking through that door actually means.  

Instead of thinking of all the housework there is to do, the struggle I'm going to have of getting him in to bed and everything that feels too much, maybe I should try to change my perspective somehow.

I'm still pondering that bit.  I'm always grateful we have a roof over our head.  I enjoy being at home.... ALONE.  Maybe it will be that when we first get home, we do something together for half an hour.  Or go for a walk first or play in the backyard before coming in. And while we are doing that, maybe we should talk about what we are going to do when we get inside so that it's not such a daunting place to be for me or for him.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm his Mum and not his best friend. I know there are still behaviours that will need to be addressed, I think I just need to really have a good look at how I react to him, or pre-react even, and find out how to make this house happy when we are BOTH home.

If you do something in your household that works, I would love to hear it.

That's my thoughts for the day.

Hugs xxx