When "helping" is not helpful

I believe that this is what we need more of...

'People need to be encouraged. People need to be reminded of how wonderful they are. People need to be believed in told that they are brave and smart and capable of accomplishing all the dreams they dream and more. Remind each other of this. Stacey Jean Spear'

HOWEVER.... 

I am in a few mental health support groups on facebook.  Sometimes I am not in the right headspace myself to say the right thing to someone else to help them so I just hit the love or care emoji and scroll on.

Last night I felt I needed to give some people a bit of a lift and so I was commenting on a few people's posts.  This particular one touched me.  The person had written:"I'm tired of pretending to be normal. I hope this mental illness will go away so I can be normal like the others".

My comment was:

"Normal is overrated, we are all unique, try to focus on the good stuff and maybe write your thoughts down x"

The majority of the comments were similar, letting this person know that there really is no normal and really encouraging them. 

There were 2 comments that really made me cross.  The first one was:

"If you want change, you must do the work".

This poor person replied that they had tried to which the the response was:

"Have you tried changing your environment & surrounding yourself around like minded people of yourself? What do you want in life?".

Now I understand that there are people out there who will see absolutely nothing wrong with this and that is OK.  

Me personally, this makes my blood boil. This poor person is reaching out for help and you're telling him that he has to work?  I know myself on a really bad day I can barely function let alone change my environment or think about what I want in life! If anything she is making this guys mental illness worse, not better.  

That approach MAY work for this person but I'm thinking in general it's not something you need to tell someone when they are struggling.

Now we get to the second one.  This guy had a hidden agenda and I could tell from his comment straight away.  He REALLY made my blood boil!

"Anxiety, depression and PTSD are not mental illnesses but symptoms of trauma.  So it can all be overcome."

Are you serious! PTSD yes absolutely, the other 2, I'm sorry, I have no underlying trauma to speak of that started my depression, it all just happened when I went through puberty. 

 My reply was:

"No not necessarily, sometimes it's a chemical imbalance in the brain - there is no reason for some"

Now, I did write about this in a previous blog, that to me there are 2 types of mental illness, situational (as he has mentioned) and a chemical imbalance.  I will now stand corrected by this information from "Beyond Blue" (it did state in there after this that it is not simply a "chemical imbalance"), my reasoning however is the same, there is no reason for some and it can't just be "overcome".

Link to information: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/what-causes-depression

Anyway, he went on to say that yes there would have been some sort of trauma to trigger it and that it can all be overcome with a change in lifestyle.  Now alarm bells are ringing in my head.  I reply that we will agree to disagree and that I think he is on the page for the wrong reason.  I go to his profile and what do you know - he's a motivational speaker!   

He then replied that he is on there to help people who are "ready to be helped" and that he himself had anxiety and was able to overcome it.

I told him I thought that was great and I was happy for him....

Then he posted his business link and said if I was ready to be helped then to reach out to him.  

My reply - "there it is! No thank you"

Again, some of you will read this and see where I am coming from, and others will think I am an absolute bitch who doesn't want any help.  I'm OK with that.  You see these pages are safe places for people to get their worries out, some are close to suicide.  One of the rules is that there is no self promotion - especially if it's not asked for!  The only time I say anything about this blog is if someone is asking how others cope, and then all I say is that I am writing a blog and drawing to help with mine. 

The other issue I have with him is that whilst he may have had anxiety himself, that doesn't entitle him to say that all we need to do is change our lifestyle and it will make it all better.  

 To try to change your lifestyle in the midst of just trying to get through each day is like being told to swim with weights holding you down.  You need to be in the right frame of mind.  You need to find the motivation.  It's like anything, quitting smoking, losing weight - all that stuff.  It's not going to happen until you are ready and having pressure put on you or putting pressure on yourself is just not helpful.  It won't work, and then you will feel like a failure because it didn't work, which will make you feel worse and on it goes. 

 Mental illness is overwhelming.  We can be in such a state by the simplest things.  Take housework for example.  I am not a good housekeeper, I never have been.  There are days when I will just decide that I'm going to get everything cleaned up and I do and it's easy.  Other days I look and I don't know where to begin and the thought is so overwhelming that I just can't deal.  Then there are times when I have to make a list of what needs doing and slowly work through it.  Maybe take your worst fear and how you feel when that happens and imagine feeling even a little bit like that ALL THE TIME.  Or imagine I give you 20 balloons and tell you to pop one, but 5 of them will cause something really bad.  That decision is the overwhelming feeling a lot of us have everyday.

For some, yes it can be overcome.  For others, on the right medications it can be controlled.  Some may never know what it's like to not feel depressed or anxious.  I will say though, please always seek the help of a professional, it doesn't make you any less of a person and it doesn't make you crazy. 

Just take each day as it comes and do the best you can with what you have.  If you wake up feeling like it's time for a change, then absolutely reach out to a self help professional or a weight loss expert.

  

Don't put pressure on yourself.

You are allowed to feel how you feel.

It's OK not to be OK.

I'm hoping the people who are struggling can relate, and I'm hoping people trying to understand mental illness will take something away from this. 

Thanks for reading.

HUGS xxx