When friendship is hard work

I talked a little bit in my last blog about how lucky I am to have 5 best friends.

Now lets talk about when keeping a friendship with someone just seems like hard work for both of you.

When I say that, I'm not just talking about the little upsets we all have from time to time, I mean when it just seems to be hard work ALL THE TIME.

I have a friend whom I met through a knitting group about 8 years ago and we became quite good friends.  We both loved crafting, we related through mental illness and formed a bond because it is what we both needed at the time.  She is a straight shooter, like me, and for our whole friendship I don't think there has been a catch up where I haven't felt offended at least once. The thing is, I knew she didn't mean it to come out the way it did and I was just taking things the wrong way.   It is possibly because I see myself in her that I get offended easily... have you ever noticed what you hate about yourself you hate in others?

I digress, I spoke to her on the phone the other day for the first time in at least 6 months and in the first 5 minutes I had snapped at her from being offended.  Then she pointed out that she had now upset me and she didn't mean to which just made me feel worse.  The last time I saw her she said something to me and then said, "I know I can say that tonight because YOU'RE in a good mood".  Well I was until that point.  I mentioned to her later that saying that was not helpful.  We always talk about it, we always apologise to each other but it SHOULDN'T be this HARD!

I shouldn't have to make sure I'm in a good mood and in the right headspace before catching up with her, she shouldn't have to watch what she says for fear of upsetting me.  Sometimes you just have to call time.

So today I sent her a message explaining that while I'm struggling like I am I would rather not catch up with her, and you know what? She understood.  It might not be forever, or it might, time will tell.

We were there for each other for a reason, but I think that reason has passed.  I have ended friendships quickly when I have been wronged, I have ended friendships badly without giving a reason or closure and I have also been on the receiving end of the latter.  It hurts when you think someone is a good friend and understands where you are coming from but it turns out they don't.  It hurts when they don't answer your calls so you think something bad has happened only to realise that they don't want to talk to you.  I don't want to put anyone else through that, so as much as it may hurt both of us, I would rather give an explanation than just not answer at all.

I still think (or overthink) about the friendship I mentioned that was ended and exactly what I did wrong.  She did end up taking my call and explained why she didn't want to continue our friendship anymore, basically, at the time, I was toxic to her.  She was perceiving my actions differently to how I intended them to be and she also had her own mental illness problems and didn't need mine at the time.  Please know this, you heart can be pure and you can have the best intentions in the world, BUT you can still be toxic in someone else's life if you are not what they need at that time.  Try not to take it personally (as I still do), it is about them and their needs.  What I NEED to do, is let this one go.  Hopefully by talking about it in here it will allow me to do that.

HUGS xx