The life you picture

Hello there.

I'll start this one by sharing my latest bubble artwork.  This has been drawn from a photo taken by Vicki from Wonky Pot Pottery and the quote is from Kermit the Frog.

This to me ties in with this quote and beautiful art by Jennifer Wagner:

I don't know about you, but when I was a little girl, I had a vision of how my life was going to play out.  

I am the youngest of 4 children (and very spoilt, but that's for another time), and there is a 7, 10 and 12 year gap between myself and my other siblings.  The 10 year gap is my sister, and she got married when I was 9 (she was 19) and had her first child when I was 10.  

So in my mind, I would be married and have children by the time I was 25 because it's what my sister did, and I would stay home and look after my babies.  My back up plan was I wanted to be a secretary, but later in high school decided I wanted to be a school teacher because I really enjoyed teaching little people things.  (As a side note - how hard is it to say stuff now without it being taken totally out of context! I rewrote that sentence 5 times and it's still not right!)

I ended up getting a job in a bank straight out of school so I never became either.  I did do some work at the local child care centre at the same time though, and realised I am not cut out to look after other people's children all day everyday, but still desperately wanted to be a Mum.

25 came and went with not even a boyfriend let alone marriage.  I had a job opportunity to move away from my home town at 26 and jumped at it.  I had fallen very hard for a guy who I knew it wasn't going to work with (friend's with benefits) and needed to get out of my very small, gossipy home town. 

Through my work I met my future husband and father of my child.  We were best friends.  It probably should have just stayed that way but then we wouldn't have our son.   We worked hard at our relationship, we communicated fairly well but after 8 years we just didn't love each other that way anymore.  We separated when our son was 3 - something else I never thought I would do.  We are still good friend's but one of the reasons we weren't working is he really didn't know how to deal with my depression.  

So here I am, another 5 years down the track, a bit lost and confused.  In one way, I am the only thing I ever wanted to be - a Mum, and in another my life is so far from what I thought it would be it's not funny.

Being a Mum, or a Dad, or a parent/guardian is a really lovely concept, but sometimes I think it's overrated.  A lot of the time I wonder what the hell I was thinking wanting to be a Mum.  It's bloody hard!  The baby and toddler (cute) stage just goes so quickly and then there are so many other decisions to make it can get really overwhelming.  There have been multiple times that I have just wondered what would happen if I just disappeared for a while - if I just went to collect my thoughts on my own without telling anyone where I was.  But then the reality (or what my psychologist calls my "responsible adult") will kick in and I realise if I did that, I wouldn't have a son to come back to, he would get taken away from me for being irresponsible.   

I'm at that point now where I have to do what is best for me and that will translate to what is best for my child.   I can't look after someone else if I can't look after myself.  Hence this blog and the art, and trying to get all my bubbles out.  

The first big realisation that something's gotta give came when I had the melt down at work.  I CHOSE to resign because my mental health just does not need that anymore.  I have still been working there the odd days but even then I find my internal anxiety is on high alert because of what happened and it getting brought up again.  And it does.  And it will continue to if I stay there - and that is not the best thing for me.  

I feel sometimes that my boss is trying to convince me (or guilt me) into staying because (quotes), no matter what I do it will be hard, not many other places will give me the hours I'm looking for, and my favourite, that I need the social interaction... and it goes on.  Then I overthink it and wonder if I am making the right decision - but you know what? It shouldn't be like that.  I shouldn't be taking on what other people's opinions are.  I can listen and then I can choose which pieces I take on and which I throw away.  This job is just not for me anymore and I need to own that and not feel guilty.

I've been applying for other jobs.  I'm doing a course for bookkeeping, which is something I found a passion in a few years ago whilst working for an accountant.  At the same time, I'm not stupid, I know there will be pressure and stress no matter what job I do, but the bottom line is - I WAS NOT ENJOYING MY JOB!  I loved going to work because for the most part the environment I worked in and the people I worked with were awesome.  It was what I was doing that I didn't enjoy.   

So.... after that little side trip - time for me to let go of what I thought my life should/would be like and start seeing what it could be in the future and choosing my new path and writing my own ending.  And guess what, it might change another 20 times and that's OK,  I will adapt. 

What is meant to be will be.

Hugs xxxx