Bit of a recap

Well hello there. 

I designed a logo for my facebook page, it's far from perfect and that's how I like it.  I will probably do one on black canvas one day too.  This one is just on some scrapbooking paper.

I had a bit of a shit week last week.  In fact I didn't even get my boy to school on Friday.  I just couldn't wake up.  I got a phone call from the school at 11am.  I'm feeling like such a bad parent at the moment but I just have to remind myself I'm doing the best I can with what I have.  This week is shaping up much better so far and I'm feeling a bit more human. "Being a parent" is on my list of things to write about but that's not for tonight.  

I just thought I would do a quick recap tonight on why my blog is named as it is for those who don't want to read through everything.

Basically, in trying to explain how someone's mind works when they have a mental illness, I use bubbles.  Imagine you are sitting in a bath full of bubbles. There are big bubbles that reflect the light and look really pretty and there are the tiny little bubbles underneath that bulk it up.  A good head space looks like this.  You focus on the good things - the big bubbles that look pretty - and the little bubbles are there but they're not really bothering you. The big bubbles have your friends, family, important events, lovely thoughts... all the good things that make you smile and feel good.

Now imagine that you have put some soap in the bath and all the bubbles are slowly popping and you're just left with the tiny bubbles - thousands of them that you can't really distinguish from each other and they all just look grey, the colour is gone.

This is my mind when I am not coping.  My big bubbles get lost and all I can see are the little annoying bubbles which are made up of things I have done or said that I shouldn't have, the way I think I look, the judgements others have past, every little thing that I beat myself up about from 30 years ago... All the stuff you don't want to be focused on but you can't see anything else and you overthink every little thing and come up with 100 scenarios, none of which will happen.  Your big bubbles have faded into the background behind the grey somewhere and some days it is really hard to bring them back.  

The mind field bit is a play on words. To me means if I am feeling lost and confused - and I can only see the little bubbles - and someone says something to me that I take the wrong way, one of my bubbles might just explode like a land mine and come pouring out of my mouth.  Otherwise known as a meltdown.  

This is what I am working through at the moment.  I'm slowly trying to bring my big bubbles back to the front of my mind and remember how lucky I am.  It is not easy for anyone feeling like this and pointing out that they have nothing to be depressed about is not helpful.  In fact it does the opposite, it makes them feel guilty for feeling the way they do and so the circle continues.  

Please always be kind and don't dismiss anyone else's feelings.  

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL HOW YOU FEEL 

Hugs xxx