Personality Vs Attitude

I thought I'd start off with my latest "Bubble" piece.

  No, I still haven't finished the original one and this one isn't finished yet either.  There's nothing like having 100 projects on the go at once, in a way it keeps the mind calm.   My thought process with using the bubbles to draw it to get them out of my mind and onto paper in a way, like I do with getting my thoughts out in here.  Yes, I have a crazy, mixed up mind at the moment!

Ok back to the topic.  There is a saying that goes:

"Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am.  My attitude depends on who you are."

I can be quite a defensive person - I'm the first to admit that.  But why is my reaction the thing that is questioned and not the way I was spoken to, or what was said to me to cause that reaction even considered?  And do you know what's even more annoying? Is telling me I'm being defensive, or asking why I'm being defensive when I was just asked a question in a "tone".   You know that tone, the one that thinks it already knows the answer and has judged you on their perception of your answer.   The one that makes you feel like you have to justify yourself for the decisions you make which are actually none of anyone else's business. 

I know that many will argue that you are in control of your own emotions.  I argue that I am in control of  how I REACT to those emotions - they come whether I want them to or not - and sometimes that control of my reaction is non existent.   

Unfortunately, the way I speak to others sometimes - which is"just me" - is perceived by others differently to how I am intending it to come across.  I may be passionate or upset about what I am speaking about and it comes across like I am blaming or having a go at the person I am speaking to.  My most recent boss said to me (on more than one occasion) "I feel like a school boy being chastised by the teacher".   Again, this comes back to the whole - yeah but why do you think I'm speaking that way, did you think about what you just said to me and how that may have affected me?  

BUT.... sometimes it doesn't excuse the way I speak back, sometimes it doesn't make it Ok and I know that.  I wish I could just not care as much sometimes.  I would like to be able to not take things personally.  That is probably never going to happen so my next step is to make more of an effort to stop and think before I speak.  

The trouble is my face kind of speaks before I do sometimes too!  

This has been me my whole life.  In one of my previous careers as a manager, I had a sit down meeting with my area boss about the way I reacted to other managers. I brought the above topic up with him and asked if he had spoken to them about how they spoke to me in the first place for me to react that way.  His response was, "oh but that's just her way, you need to get used to that".......  Ummmmm no, if I am being chastised for the way I react (which is "just me") then the same should go for her.   This particular manager also said to me that my 17 year old niece who was going through puberty (and all the emotions that means for MOST teenage girls) should have more control over her emotions and that her 2 year old manages to control herself when I tell her to.  Did you just hear yourself? She didn't control HERSELF at all, you TOLD HER TO! 

I remember myself at that age.  I was a mess! I was hanging the washing out one day and just started crying.  Mum came out and asked me what was wrong.  My reply, "I don't know!".  Mum's reaction to that - "Are you on drugs?"  So that was helpful.  And no I wasn't.  My Mum doesn't really understand depression and anxiety because in "their day" they just got on with things.  That doesn't mean it didn't exist Mum, people just didn't talk about it.

Looking back, Year 12 of high school is when my depression really started.  It took me until I was about 36 to actually get medicated and proper help.

I've always been overly sensitive.  I pick up on things most people don't, like the way something is asked, or body language, and can usually pick up a lie from a mile away.  This also means I suck at lying, it shows all over my face, so if I am asked a direct question I will always give an honest and straight answer.  I can't say I have never lied, because that would be a lie.  I would like to think I have never hurt other people by lying tho.

It also means I pick up on other people's moods, and often take those on myself - in essence, I'm an empath.  I don't deal well in crowds.  I need to prepare myself prior to going shopping and put a protective "Bubble" around myself (yes there are a lot of bubbles in my life).    Otherwise, I can go there in the best mood and in an instant my mood changes, anxiety kicks in and I just need to get out of there as quick as I can because I just can't deal with it.  So, I'm not your typical girl that loves shopping.  I go in, get what I need and get out.  There are odd occasions when I will be quite excited about going shopping, but these are few and far between. 

Well shit! I don't know where all of that came from but I obviously needed to get it all out.  

I will re read this a bit later to make sure it makes sense, but for now...

HUGS xxx