Overthinking

Onto another topic.... Overthinking.

This one can be experienced by everyone, I know it does not just affect those with mental illness.  For those of you that find it hard to understand what it actually is - I will try to explain it from my perspective. Others may experience it differently.

It ties in a lot of what I have talked about already.  The reason my little bubbles get so big and overshadow my important stuff is largely due to overthinking.  The reason that what others think of you is none of your business is getting offended, yes, but also overthinking. 

So lets see if I can explain what it is...

Oh my god, this is actually really hard.  I have so many thoughts in my head right now that at some point in my life I have overthought that it is hard to just pick one.  Let me try to come up with a hypothetical scenario.  

Let's say I meet up with a friend I haven't seen in a while and they say, "gee you're looking good!" Any "normal" (whatever that is) person would take it as the compliment it was intended to be, say thanks and carry on the conversation and not think any more of it.  

An overthinker is likely to think about 100 different scenarios that this could mean. In their head at the time they may think "what do they mean by that", and if they are anything like me, it will be once they are laying in bed trying to sleep that it all really happens.  

An overthinker will analyse every look, every tone to try to figure out if there was any malice in the comment.  And even if there wasn't, they will find it, because why would anyone else find anything good about them when they can't find it themselves. 

This is how the inner monologue could go:

* Well that was a back handed compliment, they sounded surprised that I could look good

* Is good the new word for "fat" (or skinny, whatever the particular person is sensitive to)

* What did they think I would look like?

* That was a bit condescending

And then it might turn into...

*Well they've got no room to talk anyway, who do they think they are

* I can't say the same about them

And trust me, this is just the first episode of an 11 season show, it goes on and may actually run into an episode of another show that wasn't even starring that person but somehow there was a segue.  Before you know it, it's 5am in the morning, you've run through at least 10 different shows starring people you haven't seen in years and suddenly you're coming up with awesome craft ideas. 

It's exhausting being your own worst enemy, because let's face it, that's what it comes down to.  I create my own multiple endings  to things that never actually happened.  When I am in this headspace I automatically think the worst, and then think it again and again lots of different ways.

Oh and you know the saying, "it's not all about you" - well, I somehow manage to make things about me and then feel bad about it.  I will see friends post something on facebook that MAY vaguely resemble something I could have done or said  (and may already be beating myself up over and overthinking it) and automatically think the post is aimed at me.  

The next step is the whole - "I don't want to upset them" or "I'd hate to know what they think of me".  Similar but a little bit different to "what others say about you is none of your business".

This involves the made up scenarios you've created in your head and being certain the person involved is upset with you or you have offended them.  Some people can be offended and I won't think twice about it.  BUT if YOU matter to me, you can bet your bottom dollar that I am beating myself up over upsetting you, even if it never actually happened.  It's then an internal struggle of how to ask them without looking like a needy teenager that doesn't want to lose their friends.  If the person means enough to me, I will talk to them about it or somehow work out a way to ask in a round about way. 

I'm lucky to have a couple of really close friends and my sister that I can talk to (and who I will actually listen to even when I'm being a bit irrational) that will give it to me straight and tell me when I'm being silly and to STOP! And as much as I'll always be an overthinker, it helps to have people who have your back.

Oh and in case you are wondering, yes I have had some professional help, and yes I will be going back very soon to get some more. My psychologist has given me some really good coping mechanisms, I just need to remember to do them! One is to remind my "responsible adult" to take the wheel and tell all the other "emotions" to get in the back seat and pipe down coz I've got this!